The One That Got Away.

Omg! I just got off the phone after a 1:16:47 conversation with the only boy I've ever loved. We'll call h.im X. It was bittersweet. I was so happy to hear his voice. But he was talking to me about girl problems! Seriously, fucked up! The story of my life. Apparently, he can commit --to two girls at the same time. And here I am, being supportive. Listening. All the while, wanting to scream "Since when did you want a girlfriend?" "Since when do you care about the damaged you cause women?" Only a woman can do that. Only a woman, can sit there and pine over a man telling her about all the people he's screwed since you. And to think, it's been no one since him. The only reason the conversation lasted as long as it did was because it was intriguing. Ben was always a good storyteller. He always knew how to keep my ears glued. Although, I was shaking my head the whole time. I wanted it to go on. So it did. And he talked. And told me all the drama he's gotten into since he left me. And all I can think is..."Are you ready to come back home?"

If you haven't noticed the tone of the other post, clearly, I am ready to jump back into the dating scene. I've had mild crushes. And all of them are the same. They are completely different guys. But they all have something in common. They don't give me butterflies. They don't make me want to run to them. In Ben's arms I felt save. I felt like I can be myself. I didn't have to worry about him judging me. Thinking I wasn't good enough. He made me feel special. He let me know he wanted me. We talked, on a ginuwine level. About everything and nothing. And that's something I have yet to get over. He made me do things I never thought I would. And he made me believe in us. He's been the inspiration to many of my songs. And he has no clue. When he spoke to me tonight, he knew he was talking to a friend. And only a friend. He told me things you would never tell a girl you're into. No one says "Yeah, I had a girl, a side chick and two jump-offs, but I miss US." So what am I supposed to do?

Can you be friends with an ex? Especially an ex you still have feelings for?

Logically the answer is no. If any of my friends told me this situation, I would tell them to avoid every part of it. But I'm the one experincing it. And I know from experience, there's no running from this. The moment I think about moving on he pops into my life in some form. In some ways he never left. But I know it'll never work between us. I can believe that some day he'll awaken and see that being with me isn't as hard as it looks. But, reality is, he isn't even thinking about it. But me, I don't live by reality. The only way I make it through life is by dreaming. So, a girl can dream...can't I?