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Thursday, October 15, 2009

A Good Man is Hard to Find

My husband, Eric "Jamie Foxx" Bishop once said in an article "Eric Bishop (believes there are more good people than bad people in the world. But Jamie Foxx has seen a lot more bad than good. That always stayed with me. I always questioned the same thing. I am a natural born optimistic. But seeing the world in the shape it's in now, makes me wonder. Is everyone is as cold as they seem? Is it too late for rehabilition? Everyone person I meet, I try to look for that little spark in their eye. Something that tells me they have a soul. And I rarely meet people that don't have it. If they don't I look the other way. But I don't even want to deal with people nowadays. So many people have sticks up their asses. And they want to question your motives of even speaking to them. Not nice. I admit, I can be anti-social, but sometimes you just have to go with the flow. That's what I tried to tell a boy the other day. And he got so mad. Like, basically telling me what my criteria had to be to even talk to him. As if! I mean, it makes since if you want to avoid certain types of people. But, my thing is, YOU NEVER KNOW! You never know who you might be talking to. They could be the missing link to a puzzle in your life. And you DARE to have a checklist of who they should be? God has a funny sense of humor. So I know it'll come back. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to meet new people. But it's a jungle out there. You ask someone their name, they be like "Why?"

I blame the media. They make us all afraid. Thinking everyone's a terrorist. Displaying trifling ass stories about family fighting family. Friends stealing other friends lives. It's like, come on ALREADY?! I know that's a possibility, but I don't want to go out thinking about that. Having someone thinking that about me. Grown ass men be afraid to talk to me, because they think I'm supposed to have some motive. Like I can't just be trying to talk? And then sometimes the people you think you know change, or you change. And you don't even talk to them. What are you supposed to do? Especially if you're single. Everyone I know tells me they just talk to their bf or gf and thats it. I don't have that. I don't have anything close to that. And I don't know how I'm supposed to get it, if the world is as cold as it is.

Me and X have been speaking consistantly. But, it's not fullfilling. If anything it's a tease. He can always get me. But I can never get him. Thats a sure sign you're being a puppy dog, as I am. I only do it because that's the closet thing I come to having a real connection with someone. Something where we see the same views. And it's great to have someone to talk to. But that's where it ends. I need someone I can be intellectual with, physical and supportive. Is that too much to ask? Someone who is thinking of me at 12:30am. Like, "Are you home, okay?" Is that too much? I don't think so. And ALL these guys out there want is sex. Like, literally, thats mentioned in the first conversation nowadays? Sometimes they don't even have a conversation with you. They just bring up sex. I, personally have had enough. I will not entertain anymore little boys. Unless you have something else to say, other than how much of a freak you are, then we have nothing to discuss. Like, can we have something in common? Could we believe in the same causes? They don't even know. And they won't let you know. Or maybe it's just me. Because sometimes girls tell me they had a good conversation with a guy. And then, I find out the GIRL had to do MAD shit to even get them to open up. If he's gonna open up emotionally, you have to open up sexually.. Yeah, open up them legs! Otherwise he'll consider you a friend and just tell you EVERYTHING. Things that will break your heart if you actually have a crush on him. I just hope something changes. Me. Them. I need to believe that dating is everything I want it to be. Fun, exciting and adventurous. Right now it's just looking dull, scary and unappealing!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The One That Got Away.

Omg! I just got off the phone after a 1:16:47 conversation with the only boy I've ever loved. We'll call h.im X. It was bittersweet. I was so happy to hear his voice. But he was talking to me about girl problems! Seriously, fucked up! The story of my life. Apparently, he can commit --to two girls at the same time. And here I am, being supportive. Listening. All the while, wanting to scream "Since when did you want a girlfriend?" "Since when do you care about the damaged you cause women?" Only a woman can do that. Only a woman, can sit there and pine over a man telling her about all the people he's screwed since you. And to think, it's been no one since him. The only reason the conversation lasted as long as it did was because it was intriguing. Ben was always a good storyteller. He always knew how to keep my ears glued. Although, I was shaking my head the whole time. I wanted it to go on. So it did. And he talked. And told me all the drama he's gotten into since he left me. And all I can think is..."Are you ready to come back home?"

If you haven't noticed the tone of the other post, clearly, I am ready to jump back into the dating scene. I've had mild crushes. And all of them are the same. They are completely different guys. But they all have something in common. They don't give me butterflies. They don't make me want to run to them. In Ben's arms I felt save. I felt like I can be myself. I didn't have to worry about him judging me. Thinking I wasn't good enough. He made me feel special. He let me know he wanted me. We talked, on a ginuwine level. About everything and nothing. And that's something I have yet to get over. He made me do things I never thought I would. And he made me believe in us. He's been the inspiration to many of my songs. And he has no clue. When he spoke to me tonight, he knew he was talking to a friend. And only a friend. He told me things you would never tell a girl you're into. No one says "Yeah, I had a girl, a side chick and two jump-offs, but I miss US." So what am I supposed to do?

Can you be friends with an ex? Especially an ex you still have feelings for?

Logically the answer is no. If any of my friends told me this situation, I would tell them to avoid every part of it. But I'm the one experincing it. And I know from experience, there's no running from this. The moment I think about moving on he pops into my life in some form. In some ways he never left. But I know it'll never work between us. I can believe that some day he'll awaken and see that being with me isn't as hard as it looks. But, reality is, he isn't even thinking about it. But me, I don't live by reality. The only way I make it through life is by dreaming. So, a girl can dream...can't I?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Brrr...it's COLD! I mean it's REALLY COLD! On this Earth. It almost feels like one of those movies where people are walking zombies. I've been looking for something for so long. And I'm going crazy trying to find it. Its so rough going out there slamming pavement every single day, without enjoying the little things. I worship the littlest things. I live for it. And I may take them for granted. But when I need it, it's always there. Right on time. The weather is crazy. Everyday I'm reminded how I'm doing this all alone. How I'm my biggest cheerleader. I'm my own protecter. It's hard. It makes you wanna cry into the shoulders of the nearest stranger. And in NYC, that is supposed to be a possibility. Some times when I'm alone in the city...I can really feel it. Every block I walk or corner I turn I am reminded of how alone I am. The best way to describe this feeling is, Whitney Houston's I Want to Run to You. It's one of my favorites. And it's how the cold weather makes me feel. This is the time I want to have someone in my life I can spoon. And he can spoon me. And we can just keep each other warm. Sit and talk about nothing. Or talk about everything. But if you tell a guy that, they take that too literally. I don't want to rush into things. But I most definately don't want to go into this with no prospects. But guys are so weird. They don't want relationships unless it's their idea. Unless everything in their life is perfectly lined up how they want. And the funny thing is, that's rarely possible unless you have a good woman in your life. So my question is, as we quickly approach winter and the new year...

How does a girl stay warm when guys are so cold-blooded?

This is a man's world. That's why we have so many wars and corruption. Men just want shiny big things. They seem to know nothing about art, and love and beauty. It's all about BIG BIG BIG. MORE MORE MORE. MORE bitches with BIG T&A. MORE $$$ for those BIG cars. Like, honestly, who gives a shit about that? This is life? This is our chance to experience things we didn't know exsisted. To learn things we never thought of. And you're worried about having some shit you THINK no one else has. Or get the NEW shit that everyone else is up on. None of that shit is important. It's about feeling things and knowing things. Changing things.

I must be kidding myself to think there is actually a guy out there that thinks like me. That can connect with me. That would want me for me, and not my body. A guy that would make me feel like I didn't always have to look my best, with in fear he would leave me. I must be crazy to think I can open myself up to a man, and he will do the same in return. Men are cold-blooded. You can have a wonderful night where you share your hopes and dreams with a person. And then never hear from them again. That's the shit that kills me. Like, was it all an act? Is it always, just an act? Are women and men, two species that are haunting for entirely different things? Women want love and a spiritual connection. And men want something to make them feel like a big man!

So my challenge for this season is to test my theory. I dare any guy out there to prove me wrong.