A Good Man is Hard to Find

My husband, Eric "Jamie Foxx" Bishop once said in an article "Eric Bishop (believes there are more good people than bad people in the world. But Jamie Foxx has seen a lot more bad than good. That always stayed with me. I always questioned the same thing. I am a natural born optimistic. But seeing the world in the shape it's in now, makes me wonder. Is everyone is as cold as they seem? Is it too late for rehabilition? Everyone person I meet, I try to look for that little spark in their eye. Something that tells me they have a soul. And I rarely meet people that don't have it. If they don't I look the other way. But I don't even want to deal with people nowadays. So many people have sticks up their asses. And they want to question your motives of even speaking to them. Not nice. I admit, I can be anti-social, but sometimes you just have to go with the flow. That's what I tried to tell a boy the other day. And he got so mad. Like, basically telling me what my criteria had to be to even talk to him. As if! I mean, it makes since if you want to avoid certain types of people. But, my thing is, YOU NEVER KNOW! You never know who you might be talking to. They could be the missing link to a puzzle in your life. And you DARE to have a checklist of who they should be? God has a funny sense of humor. So I know it'll come back. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to meet new people. But it's a jungle out there. You ask someone their name, they be like "Why?"

I blame the media. They make us all afraid. Thinking everyone's a terrorist. Displaying trifling ass stories about family fighting family. Friends stealing other friends lives. It's like, come on ALREADY?! I know that's a possibility, but I don't want to go out thinking about that. Having someone thinking that about me. Grown ass men be afraid to talk to me, because they think I'm supposed to have some motive. Like I can't just be trying to talk? And then sometimes the people you think you know change, or you change. And you don't even talk to them. What are you supposed to do? Especially if you're single. Everyone I know tells me they just talk to their bf or gf and thats it. I don't have that. I don't have anything close to that. And I don't know how I'm supposed to get it, if the world is as cold as it is.

Me and X have been speaking consistantly. But, it's not fullfilling. If anything it's a tease. He can always get me. But I can never get him. Thats a sure sign you're being a puppy dog, as I am. I only do it because that's the closet thing I come to having a real connection with someone. Something where we see the same views. And it's great to have someone to talk to. But that's where it ends. I need someone I can be intellectual with, physical and supportive. Is that too much to ask? Someone who is thinking of me at 12:30am. Like, "Are you home, okay?" Is that too much? I don't think so. And ALL these guys out there want is sex. Like, literally, thats mentioned in the first conversation nowadays? Sometimes they don't even have a conversation with you. They just bring up sex. I, personally have had enough. I will not entertain anymore little boys. Unless you have something else to say, other than how much of a freak you are, then we have nothing to discuss. Like, can we have something in common? Could we believe in the same causes? They don't even know. And they won't let you know. Or maybe it's just me. Because sometimes girls tell me they had a good conversation with a guy. And then, I find out the GIRL had to do MAD shit to even get them to open up. If he's gonna open up emotionally, you have to open up sexually.. Yeah, open up them legs! Otherwise he'll consider you a friend and just tell you EVERYTHING. Things that will break your heart if you actually have a crush on him. I just hope something changes. Me. Them. I need to believe that dating is everything I want it to be. Fun, exciting and adventurous. Right now it's just looking dull, scary and unappealing!

The One That Got Away.

Omg! I just got off the phone after a 1:16:47 conversation with the only boy I've ever loved. We'll call h.im X. It was bittersweet. I was so happy to hear his voice. But he was talking to me about girl problems! Seriously, fucked up! The story of my life. Apparently, he can commit --to two girls at the same time. And here I am, being supportive. Listening. All the while, wanting to scream "Since when did you want a girlfriend?" "Since when do you care about the damaged you cause women?" Only a woman can do that. Only a woman, can sit there and pine over a man telling her about all the people he's screwed since you. And to think, it's been no one since him. The only reason the conversation lasted as long as it did was because it was intriguing. Ben was always a good storyteller. He always knew how to keep my ears glued. Although, I was shaking my head the whole time. I wanted it to go on. So it did. And he talked. And told me all the drama he's gotten into since he left me. And all I can think is..."Are you ready to come back home?"

If you haven't noticed the tone of the other post, clearly, I am ready to jump back into the dating scene. I've had mild crushes. And all of them are the same. They are completely different guys. But they all have something in common. They don't give me butterflies. They don't make me want to run to them. In Ben's arms I felt save. I felt like I can be myself. I didn't have to worry about him judging me. Thinking I wasn't good enough. He made me feel special. He let me know he wanted me. We talked, on a ginuwine level. About everything and nothing. And that's something I have yet to get over. He made me do things I never thought I would. And he made me believe in us. He's been the inspiration to many of my songs. And he has no clue. When he spoke to me tonight, he knew he was talking to a friend. And only a friend. He told me things you would never tell a girl you're into. No one says "Yeah, I had a girl, a side chick and two jump-offs, but I miss US." So what am I supposed to do?

Can you be friends with an ex? Especially an ex you still have feelings for?

Logically the answer is no. If any of my friends told me this situation, I would tell them to avoid every part of it. But I'm the one experincing it. And I know from experience, there's no running from this. The moment I think about moving on he pops into my life in some form. In some ways he never left. But I know it'll never work between us. I can believe that some day he'll awaken and see that being with me isn't as hard as it looks. But, reality is, he isn't even thinking about it. But me, I don't live by reality. The only way I make it through life is by dreaming. So, a girl can dream...can't I?

Brrr...it's COLD! I mean it's REALLY COLD! On this Earth. It almost feels like one of those movies where people are walking zombies. I've been looking for something for so long. And I'm going crazy trying to find it. Its so rough going out there slamming pavement every single day, without enjoying the little things. I worship the littlest things. I live for it. And I may take them for granted. But when I need it, it's always there. Right on time. The weather is crazy. Everyday I'm reminded how I'm doing this all alone. How I'm my biggest cheerleader. I'm my own protecter. It's hard. It makes you wanna cry into the shoulders of the nearest stranger. And in NYC, that is supposed to be a possibility. Some times when I'm alone in the city...I can really feel it. Every block I walk or corner I turn I am reminded of how alone I am. The best way to describe this feeling is, Whitney Houston's I Want to Run to You. It's one of my favorites. And it's how the cold weather makes me feel. This is the time I want to have someone in my life I can spoon. And he can spoon me. And we can just keep each other warm. Sit and talk about nothing. Or talk about everything. But if you tell a guy that, they take that too literally. I don't want to rush into things. But I most definately don't want to go into this with no prospects. But guys are so weird. They don't want relationships unless it's their idea. Unless everything in their life is perfectly lined up how they want. And the funny thing is, that's rarely possible unless you have a good woman in your life. So my question is, as we quickly approach winter and the new year...

How does a girl stay warm when guys are so cold-blooded?

This is a man's world. That's why we have so many wars and corruption. Men just want shiny big things. They seem to know nothing about art, and love and beauty. It's all about BIG BIG BIG. MORE MORE MORE. MORE bitches with BIG T&A. MORE $$$ for those BIG cars. Like, honestly, who gives a shit about that? This is life? This is our chance to experience things we didn't know exsisted. To learn things we never thought of. And you're worried about having some shit you THINK no one else has. Or get the NEW shit that everyone else is up on. None of that shit is important. It's about feeling things and knowing things. Changing things.

I must be kidding myself to think there is actually a guy out there that thinks like me. That can connect with me. That would want me for me, and not my body. A guy that would make me feel like I didn't always have to look my best, with in fear he would leave me. I must be crazy to think I can open myself up to a man, and he will do the same in return. Men are cold-blooded. You can have a wonderful night where you share your hopes and dreams with a person. And then never hear from them again. That's the shit that kills me. Like, was it all an act? Is it always, just an act? Are women and men, two species that are haunting for entirely different things? Women want love and a spiritual connection. And men want something to make them feel like a big man!

So my challenge for this season is to test my theory. I dare any guy out there to prove me wrong.

Living for the FAME

I just love Lady Gaga. She is everything I believe in. She's my kind of artist. I've been feeling a real need to express my art, recently. Everything. Writing, singing, dancing, acting, fashion...etc! The city is attracting me and other artist lately. Hopefully, 2010 will be the re-birth of Artistry in New York City. I love this city. I realized now that I've been holding MYSELF back. I used to blame it on the system. There are things that "The Man" does to make us feel we can't do it. But if your mind can achieve it, anything is possible. I just settled for things that I knew a could achieve. And although I know I am fully capable of doing ANYTHING, there was still something in the back of my mind. I felt I needed some validation. Something that told me, "I'm ready" but the fact is, people like me are Born Ready. We are born to do it all. We know at the end of the day, if you put a gun to our heads, we can do it. But why do we need a gun to our heads? Why do we wait til we have nothing at all to "Go for IT"?

Recently, I've been getting that itch. Yeah, you know. The I-haven't-gotten-any-in-a-year itch! It's maintainable. And I will be occupying a lot of my time, to get my mind off it. But still, there are always those gaps in between doing, where I start thinking. And I think about having someone to hold me when it gets cold. Being able to tell someone other than my mom and sister about my day. And they actually care to know. Someone to meet me for my lunch break, and eat in the park. It's funny, because I really can do without it. But I crave it. It's like wanting a cigarette in church. They say you can't have it all. I have two jobs now. And with the extra money I plan on sharpening my art and take singing, dancing and music lessons. I want to start designing my own clothes. I have so much I want to do, when would I find time for a boyfriend? Is it too much to hope there's a guy that is interested in the same things I am? I'm living for the FAME.

Summer? What Summer?

So here it is! The end of Summer. Its always bittersweet. I look forward to new beginnings that Autumn holds. But I will miss the endless possibilities that lie in a summer's night. But this summer, however sucked! There was nothing exciting going on. It felt like the same day over and over. And it was so cold! I had a crush, here and there. But nothing that stuck. I'm more focused on the future. Not being able to remain conscience in the present. Always referring to the past or future. These are signs that I am looking for something new. I am not happy with my current position in life. Everything seems so mundane! Everything. That's why I'm always grateful for Autumn. For me it signifies everything I need right now. Transition, shedding and starting over. I love it. And I'll be working in a park, so this is a good Fall season. Being around nature, people, art and opportunity.

I recently did a Chakra test and found out my most awakened Chakra is the:

Sahasrara/The Crown Chakra: Located at the top of the head. The crown chakra is linked to understanding, cosmic consciousness, and ability to eventually achieve enlightenment.

So it sounds good. At least I know I have the ABILITY to do it. Some people work hard for years and years, and achieve nothing. Because they have no understanding of self, nor their purpose. I know what the bottom line is. So, it SEEMS great. But the bottom line can never be met, without the right steps towards it. I can't expect to wake up and be totally enlightened. But the idea of that, is the exact way you become enlightened. The idea that anything that you manifest is possible. The rest of the Chakras I got mid-level results. Meaning, I am on the right path, but not exactly there. But the Chakra I got the lowest in was:

Anahata/The Heart Chakra: Located at the center of the chest, a person with a healthy heart chakra will have a strong ability to love his or herself as well as others. It is also the center of hope and compassion.

That surprised me at first. But with further investigation, I realized it was my mixed views on reality that caused these results. At the end of the day, I believe that all mankind is capable of finding true happiness within themselves and each other. And I believe and truly wish for a Utopia someday. But Society/Matrix makes all of that look and feel distorted from the outside. I became afraid to love, after being let down so many times. We are not ourselves anymore. We believe that the worse is possible sometimes. Especially without being fully aware. It's so hard to live in this world with ideology like mine. But sometimes it feels like the only way. I know the possibilities that we can achieve are endless. But the minute I get close to the outside world, I feel inadequate. Like I need more. Of what? I don't know. Every minute I'm reminded of how much I don't have. And how much I need to get what I want out of life. It prevents me from doing anything.
With studying Chakras, I also started to dive into Prophecies and things of that nature. It's so crazy how afraid people are of the truth.

4 Reasons Why I'm Single

I'm always getting asked the question "So why are you single?" Like at 22 years old, I'm supposed to be tied down to one person. It's like the Women's Movement didn't even happen! So many girls I know are finding ways to trap themselves. Either they're getting married to complete strangers or they're getting pregnant to "save" a relationship. And these are GIRLS I'm talking about. Not middle-aged women. In fact, the roles have reversed. I'm finding more young girls talking about settling down and more older women expressing their freedom. But to answer the question as to why I'm single, we would have to break it down.

1. There are no guys that I have met that are mental capable of being in a relationship. Most people in their 20s don't even know what a relationship is! They are just putting labels on sex. They go on dates and barely interact with each other. The most they communicate is through argument. No one seems to take the time to get to know each other anymore

2. I'm not into labels and rules. If I have a connection with someone, I don't think it automatically means you get to pull out a rulebook. Love has no rules. Love isn't fair. If you love someone with all your heart, it doesn't mean anything. It has to be a two way street.

3. Sex makes you loose focus. Nuff said.

4. Everywhere I turn, there's a hotter guy. I don't want to commit to one person right now. This is my selfish phase!

But I must say, I'm a sucka for love. So if cupid hits, I must hit back! But I don't feel pressure anymore. Society used to make us single gals feel like shit. But now, it's whatever. I just wish all my friends didn't feel the need to settle for less. Just because thats the only offer doesnt mean you have to take it.

I have a friend who is engaged to a guy she barely knows because she's afraid she won't get another offer! That has to be the saddest thing I ever heard! We actually have a choice, and you're still settling? And you're only 23?! I wish girls loved themselves more. Then we could really run this town.

Did ya miss me?!

Not that I have actual followers, yet. But...how y'all doin'? Wow, there's been so much going on since I first started this site. I really didn't even get my feet wet, when a whole lot started to change. I had to go through some transitions. Get focused. And now your girl is back. We're taking things in a new direction. So bare with me...

There's been a lot of tragedy in the media lately. Most recently, are the deaths of a swimsuit model and her crazy reality show husband! Ryan Jenkins was first brought to my attention last week. I was afully ill, and was forced to watch Megan Wants to Marry a Millionaire. And in that episode, Jenkins was winning dates and buying her gifts. She mentioned she wasn't feeling him, but would give him a chance because of the gifts. (How shallow). Now, months after the show wraps, he's married to some next chick. Looking just like Megan. He kills her, chops her body up and throws it in the trash! Then he kills himself! WTF? Crazy! It makes Chris Brown look like an angel again. I think is really sad, and ironic. These dating reality shows have just been getting worse. You know its bad when you can say Flavor of Love was a better quality show. However, if Megan picked Jenkins, she could have been the one dead. And sources close to the show say he was very close to winning. He was so charming, VH1 casted him in I Love Money 3! And according to 20/20, he was arrested before the show for assulting his girlfriend! How did he slip through the cracks? Even on other shows, the conteststants notice alarming behavior from other castmates. And sometimes those warnings fall on deaf ears. You're not safe dating ANYWHERE!!! Even in front of millions of viewers, a psycho can be unnoticed. It's frightening. We might just laugh it off as them being "eccentric" or something. But, most times, women have an intuition. We know when something seems too good to be true. It's not the self-deprecating type of "Too-good-to-be-true". Where we feel we don't deserve it. Although we might go through periods where we don't feel our best, we always come around to luxuriate in the love we know we deserve! However, there may also be those times where you feel in your gut somethings wrong. Even if the guy is normal. Or if he acts shy. If you feel it in you're heart, you're right! My mind and my soul have constant battles. but if i dont feel it, I don't do it.

This year, I have taken a break from dating. Just trying to redevelop my type. I've met nerds, rappers, austrialians and models...just to name a few. All of which have nice intentions. But it just isn't right. Like, I'm not looking for anything grand. Just something that fits. Why anyone would want to settle for less is beyond me! This world is too big, with too many people for you to settle for someone you're not that into. And life is too short.

A New Earth

The theme

Beyonce's I Am Tour: Snaps? or Wack?

Okay, so Beyonce jump started her I Am Tour last week, and the reviews are mixed. It's even been alleged that her next few shows ticket prices have been dropped from $60 to $20!!!! But maybe they're being generous...with the economy and all! Some say that although her latest album is supposed to be showing the difference between Beyonce and Sasha Fierce, it's hard to tell that in the show. Beyonce is a powerful performer period. So whether it be the real thing or her robotic ego, they are still working it. However some say the show was a tad bit too long (2hrs and 15mins) and they are still working out the kinks. But, regardless, HubbyHova was there to support.

I love Beyonce. I think a lot of girls should REALLY listen to the messages in her songs. However, maybe it's time to switch it up. I watched some of this tour, and some of the last 2 and there are a lot of similarities. For hardcore Beyonce fans and especially the Queens out there, this is unacceptable. We all look to Mrs. Carter for new concepts and visuals. But now it just seems like everyday is B'day!

Past Tours:

T-Pain SPRUNG from Golf Cart!

WTF? You know I ain't nobody to be telling someone they're an alcoholic. But T-Pain needs to cool it down! He fell off a golf cart backstage at a show after his friend shoved him. Now T-Pain gotta be at least 200lbs. So how else do you explain a grown ass man playing around on a golf cart and then falling off? Blame it on the Alcohol! Kim looks fabo! Loves it!

Meow...when cougars attack!

So for all the cougars out there, this is for you! Who said you can't find love in your 40s? Sex and the City the Movie proved you can have it all at any age. However, I just think this whole union is odd. Starting from the beginning. Married out of the blue. No one even thought they knew each other. They just don't seem compatible. Although an Aries like Mariah, is almost irresistible to any man, I feel like poor Nick is being taken advantage of. Everyone thinks Nick is after Mariah's money. But, a lot of people forgot about Wild 'n Out and how that was HIS production company. He's not a hobo. But according to the planets and my experience, Aries and Libra have a bond that is NOT easily understood. But in actuality the Aries is usually the user, while the Libra's love is ginuwine. Plus Nick has been in love with Mariah since before he was on All That. So snaps for him bagging his dream girl--lady.

PS--Peep the big ass tat on homie's back! Now that's love!

PS

Touched for the Very First Time!

Oww...be gentle! I'm a VIRGIN! A blog Virgin. This is my first every blog! Thank you for coming to experience my first time with me. It's like a big orgy! Soooo...let me start off by introducing myself. Voni Vodka is the name. Take it how you want. This blog is a Hater Free Zone. We don't hate. We just give constructive critism. We keep it 100% real however, so if you can't take the heat, just visit on of our advistisers. I created this blog because I feel like Girls everywhere need something they can enjoy and feel empowered. But this is empowerment based off of love not hate. So if you see a firece picture of Beyonce, don't throw yourself in front of the bus because you're not her. Just look at it, and say "I can be fierce too!!!" You can! And you'll learn that through our journey together. I'm from New York, so you know it's the city that never sleep. And I have insomnia, so we go perfectly together.

First thing I want to touch on is for my ladies out there. There has been a lot of foolishness going on. And I put the blame on you all. These MEN or BOYS rather, are treating us like shit. Telling US what THEIR standards are. And we just happily go a long with their PLAN! I am here to stop this once and for all! I have serveral girlfriends that are just bootycalls. But they have no idea. Why? Because they were once nice, wholesome girls. They were the type of girls guys would want to take out on a date and make wifey. But now, they are so will to give up the COOKIE that they have been reduce to just sex. Now, if you don't get anything else from this post, let it be this: Your body is a temple! And if homeboy ain't willing to get on his knees and praise it, he needs to be excomunnicated. Let me break it down. ALL guys want sex. That's a given. Even the sweetest, nicest and most innoccent guy wants sex. So if you give it up, right away...no matter how good it is...it's already been conquored. So what's the point of getting to know you? You gave them what they want. So what if you have a great personality. So what it was the best sex ever! If you don't set standards for yourself and your man, who will? Not the man! It's like going to the store. You know if you want anything from the store, you need money. So why come there with holes in your pocket? If a man saw you like that, you know how much more fulfilling it would be? A guy would never come to a basketball game without a ticket. So why does he think he can come to your house without a commentment? Because he knows sales are low and you need to fill up a stadium.

I am actually in the process of reading Steve Harvey's new book called "Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man" and it is so empowering. It reminds women that WE are in charge!!! We are the ones that make the rules. It's like being in a bank with a semi -automatic! If you don't give me what I want, then all hell is gonna break loose. But the way you cause a scene is not by giving attitude! It's by giving them the boot. If you are a REAL woman, you know what you want. So why not be up front about it? If you're looking for a relationship, SAY IT! Don't sleep with a guy on a first date, and expect for a relationship to fall from the sky. You're kidding yourself. Just be real. Tell HIM! And if he doesn't agree, or his response isn't "OMG, me too!" then you need to accept that. He's just not that into! And thats ok. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure there are some guys you aren't that into. And don't try to convince yourself that he'll change. Because once again, you'd be kidding yourself. But we'll touch on that in future post.

So do me a favor my Graceful Goddesses. Next time you come across a guy you MIGHT be into, don't sleep with him right away. Give him a 90 day evaluation period. This may sound crazy, but it works. The best way for me to explain it is how Steve did. Now we all know guys tell little lies now and then to get what they want. And it's ok! Because if I were a guy trying to sleep with me, I'd tell me anything I wanted to hear too. So even though it's wrong, it's almost understandable. So think of this as a job opening. Now with any openinng, you might get some crazies, liars and unreliables. But out of all of the bullshit, there will always be someone that is reliable and eligable for the job. But even then, you always have to weed out the weak. How do you do that? With TIME! You can't meet someone the first day and expect to get a full view of who they are. It takes time. Eventually the "Representative" will disappear and the real person will come into light. That will let you know who they really are. How they REALLY handle situations. Will they stick around for the good and the bad? Or will they bail? It's all about seeing clearly.

So that's my dating rule#1 of the week. Evaluation and then penatration. And tell me how it goes. Take the 90 days as a chance to get to know him. The real him. See if he's someone even worth giving the Cookie to. And this means don't do anything that leads to a messiness.