Brrr...it's COLD! I mean it's REALLY COLD! On this Earth. It almost feels like one of those movies where people are walking zombies. I've been looking for something for so long. And I'm going crazy trying to find it. Its so rough going out there slamming pavement every single day, without enjoying the little things. I worship the littlest things. I live for it. And I may take them for granted. But when I need it, it's always there. Right on time. The weather is crazy. Everyday I'm reminded how I'm doing this all alone. How I'm my biggest cheerleader. I'm my own protecter. It's hard. It makes you wanna cry into the shoulders of the nearest stranger. And in NYC, that is supposed to be a possibility. Some times when I'm alone in the city...I can really feel it. Every block I walk or corner I turn I am reminded of how alone I am. The best way to describe this feeling is, Whitney Houston's I Want to Run to You. It's one of my favorites. And it's how the cold weather makes me feel. This is the time I want to have someone in my life I can spoon. And he can spoon me. And we can just keep each other warm. Sit and talk about nothing. Or talk about everything. But if you tell a guy that, they take that too literally. I don't want to rush into things. But I most definately don't want to go into this with no prospects. But guys are so weird. They don't want relationships unless it's their idea. Unless everything in their life is perfectly lined up how they want. And the funny thing is, that's rarely possible unless you have a good woman in your life. So my question is, as we quickly approach winter and the new year...

How does a girl stay warm when guys are so cold-blooded?

This is a man's world. That's why we have so many wars and corruption. Men just want shiny big things. They seem to know nothing about art, and love and beauty. It's all about BIG BIG BIG. MORE MORE MORE. MORE bitches with BIG T&A. MORE $$$ for those BIG cars. Like, honestly, who gives a shit about that? This is life? This is our chance to experience things we didn't know exsisted. To learn things we never thought of. And you're worried about having some shit you THINK no one else has. Or get the NEW shit that everyone else is up on. None of that shit is important. It's about feeling things and knowing things. Changing things.

I must be kidding myself to think there is actually a guy out there that thinks like me. That can connect with me. That would want me for me, and not my body. A guy that would make me feel like I didn't always have to look my best, with in fear he would leave me. I must be crazy to think I can open myself up to a man, and he will do the same in return. Men are cold-blooded. You can have a wonderful night where you share your hopes and dreams with a person. And then never hear from them again. That's the shit that kills me. Like, was it all an act? Is it always, just an act? Are women and men, two species that are haunting for entirely different things? Women want love and a spiritual connection. And men want something to make them feel like a big man!

So my challenge for this season is to test my theory. I dare any guy out there to prove me wrong.

Living for the FAME

I just love Lady Gaga. She is everything I believe in. She's my kind of artist. I've been feeling a real need to express my art, recently. Everything. Writing, singing, dancing, acting, fashion...etc! The city is attracting me and other artist lately. Hopefully, 2010 will be the re-birth of Artistry in New York City. I love this city. I realized now that I've been holding MYSELF back. I used to blame it on the system. There are things that "The Man" does to make us feel we can't do it. But if your mind can achieve it, anything is possible. I just settled for things that I knew a could achieve. And although I know I am fully capable of doing ANYTHING, there was still something in the back of my mind. I felt I needed some validation. Something that told me, "I'm ready" but the fact is, people like me are Born Ready. We are born to do it all. We know at the end of the day, if you put a gun to our heads, we can do it. But why do we need a gun to our heads? Why do we wait til we have nothing at all to "Go for IT"?

Recently, I've been getting that itch. Yeah, you know. The I-haven't-gotten-any-in-a-year itch! It's maintainable. And I will be occupying a lot of my time, to get my mind off it. But still, there are always those gaps in between doing, where I start thinking. And I think about having someone to hold me when it gets cold. Being able to tell someone other than my mom and sister about my day. And they actually care to know. Someone to meet me for my lunch break, and eat in the park. It's funny, because I really can do without it. But I crave it. It's like wanting a cigarette in church. They say you can't have it all. I have two jobs now. And with the extra money I plan on sharpening my art and take singing, dancing and music lessons. I want to start designing my own clothes. I have so much I want to do, when would I find time for a boyfriend? Is it too much to hope there's a guy that is interested in the same things I am? I'm living for the FAME.

Summer? What Summer?

So here it is! The end of Summer. Its always bittersweet. I look forward to new beginnings that Autumn holds. But I will miss the endless possibilities that lie in a summer's night. But this summer, however sucked! There was nothing exciting going on. It felt like the same day over and over. And it was so cold! I had a crush, here and there. But nothing that stuck. I'm more focused on the future. Not being able to remain conscience in the present. Always referring to the past or future. These are signs that I am looking for something new. I am not happy with my current position in life. Everything seems so mundane! Everything. That's why I'm always grateful for Autumn. For me it signifies everything I need right now. Transition, shedding and starting over. I love it. And I'll be working in a park, so this is a good Fall season. Being around nature, people, art and opportunity.

I recently did a Chakra test and found out my most awakened Chakra is the:

Sahasrara/The Crown Chakra: Located at the top of the head. The crown chakra is linked to understanding, cosmic consciousness, and ability to eventually achieve enlightenment.

So it sounds good. At least I know I have the ABILITY to do it. Some people work hard for years and years, and achieve nothing. Because they have no understanding of self, nor their purpose. I know what the bottom line is. So, it SEEMS great. But the bottom line can never be met, without the right steps towards it. I can't expect to wake up and be totally enlightened. But the idea of that, is the exact way you become enlightened. The idea that anything that you manifest is possible. The rest of the Chakras I got mid-level results. Meaning, I am on the right path, but not exactly there. But the Chakra I got the lowest in was:

Anahata/The Heart Chakra: Located at the center of the chest, a person with a healthy heart chakra will have a strong ability to love his or herself as well as others. It is also the center of hope and compassion.

That surprised me at first. But with further investigation, I realized it was my mixed views on reality that caused these results. At the end of the day, I believe that all mankind is capable of finding true happiness within themselves and each other. And I believe and truly wish for a Utopia someday. But Society/Matrix makes all of that look and feel distorted from the outside. I became afraid to love, after being let down so many times. We are not ourselves anymore. We believe that the worse is possible sometimes. Especially without being fully aware. It's so hard to live in this world with ideology like mine. But sometimes it feels like the only way. I know the possibilities that we can achieve are endless. But the minute I get close to the outside world, I feel inadequate. Like I need more. Of what? I don't know. Every minute I'm reminded of how much I don't have. And how much I need to get what I want out of life. It prevents me from doing anything.
With studying Chakras, I also started to dive into Prophecies and things of that nature. It's so crazy how afraid people are of the truth.

4 Reasons Why I'm Single

I'm always getting asked the question "So why are you single?" Like at 22 years old, I'm supposed to be tied down to one person. It's like the Women's Movement didn't even happen! So many girls I know are finding ways to trap themselves. Either they're getting married to complete strangers or they're getting pregnant to "save" a relationship. And these are GIRLS I'm talking about. Not middle-aged women. In fact, the roles have reversed. I'm finding more young girls talking about settling down and more older women expressing their freedom. But to answer the question as to why I'm single, we would have to break it down.

1. There are no guys that I have met that are mental capable of being in a relationship. Most people in their 20s don't even know what a relationship is! They are just putting labels on sex. They go on dates and barely interact with each other. The most they communicate is through argument. No one seems to take the time to get to know each other anymore

2. I'm not into labels and rules. If I have a connection with someone, I don't think it automatically means you get to pull out a rulebook. Love has no rules. Love isn't fair. If you love someone with all your heart, it doesn't mean anything. It has to be a two way street.

3. Sex makes you loose focus. Nuff said.

4. Everywhere I turn, there's a hotter guy. I don't want to commit to one person right now. This is my selfish phase!

But I must say, I'm a sucka for love. So if cupid hits, I must hit back! But I don't feel pressure anymore. Society used to make us single gals feel like shit. But now, it's whatever. I just wish all my friends didn't feel the need to settle for less. Just because thats the only offer doesnt mean you have to take it.

I have a friend who is engaged to a guy she barely knows because she's afraid she won't get another offer! That has to be the saddest thing I ever heard! We actually have a choice, and you're still settling? And you're only 23?! I wish girls loved themselves more. Then we could really run this town.

Did ya miss me?!

Not that I have actual followers, yet. But...how y'all doin'? Wow, there's been so much going on since I first started this site. I really didn't even get my feet wet, when a whole lot started to change. I had to go through some transitions. Get focused. And now your girl is back. We're taking things in a new direction. So bare with me...

There's been a lot of tragedy in the media lately. Most recently, are the deaths of a swimsuit model and her crazy reality show husband! Ryan Jenkins was first brought to my attention last week. I was afully ill, and was forced to watch Megan Wants to Marry a Millionaire. And in that episode, Jenkins was winning dates and buying her gifts. She mentioned she wasn't feeling him, but would give him a chance because of the gifts. (How shallow). Now, months after the show wraps, he's married to some next chick. Looking just like Megan. He kills her, chops her body up and throws it in the trash! Then he kills himself! WTF? Crazy! It makes Chris Brown look like an angel again. I think is really sad, and ironic. These dating reality shows have just been getting worse. You know its bad when you can say Flavor of Love was a better quality show. However, if Megan picked Jenkins, she could have been the one dead. And sources close to the show say he was very close to winning. He was so charming, VH1 casted him in I Love Money 3! And according to 20/20, he was arrested before the show for assulting his girlfriend! How did he slip through the cracks? Even on other shows, the conteststants notice alarming behavior from other castmates. And sometimes those warnings fall on deaf ears. You're not safe dating ANYWHERE!!! Even in front of millions of viewers, a psycho can be unnoticed. It's frightening. We might just laugh it off as them being "eccentric" or something. But, most times, women have an intuition. We know when something seems too good to be true. It's not the self-deprecating type of "Too-good-to-be-true". Where we feel we don't deserve it. Although we might go through periods where we don't feel our best, we always come around to luxuriate in the love we know we deserve! However, there may also be those times where you feel in your gut somethings wrong. Even if the guy is normal. Or if he acts shy. If you feel it in you're heart, you're right! My mind and my soul have constant battles. but if i dont feel it, I don't do it.

This year, I have taken a break from dating. Just trying to redevelop my type. I've met nerds, rappers, austrialians and models...just to name a few. All of which have nice intentions. But it just isn't right. Like, I'm not looking for anything grand. Just something that fits. Why anyone would want to settle for less is beyond me! This world is too big, with too many people for you to settle for someone you're not that into. And life is too short.

A New Earth

The theme

Beyonce's I Am Tour: Snaps? or Wack?

Okay, so Beyonce jump started her I Am Tour last week, and the reviews are mixed. It's even been alleged that her next few shows ticket prices have been dropped from $60 to $20!!!! But maybe they're being generous...with the economy and all! Some say that although her latest album is supposed to be showing the difference between Beyonce and Sasha Fierce, it's hard to tell that in the show. Beyonce is a powerful performer period. So whether it be the real thing or her robotic ego, they are still working it. However some say the show was a tad bit too long (2hrs and 15mins) and they are still working out the kinks. But, regardless, HubbyHova was there to support.

I love Beyonce. I think a lot of girls should REALLY listen to the messages in her songs. However, maybe it's time to switch it up. I watched some of this tour, and some of the last 2 and there are a lot of similarities. For hardcore Beyonce fans and especially the Queens out there, this is unacceptable. We all look to Mrs. Carter for new concepts and visuals. But now it just seems like everyday is B'day!

Past Tours: